it just pours out
so yeah i wrote that stuff trying to get some of it out of me earlier. i knew i was not done. but i was so damn tired from being sick most of the day from the heat. hell i had wanted to sit and watch my mate play portal 2 since it was funny. but i just kept getting sicker and sicker. i went out onto the porch outside and threw up a little. i decided a cold shower would work best. in the shower i had this upwelling of hate. i threw that up in a journal. i tried to sleep now that i was at least a little less physically sick. but the images and anger kept welling up and i would awake with a start. so i got up and decided to just play on the net and get some art ideas. it is the season i can get to sell art after all. and i like doing it on odd things. i do a bit on lanterns

so i was looking about and saw the punch cards and then remembered someone at AC doing stuff on them and looked that up and as i stared at the art... fucking hell if shit did not come rushing back at me from a few months ago. being told i was a liar and that punch cards were only used in mechanical devices and Phones other than cell phones had not used computers. all because i feel the word hacking should apply to computers and not say modifying something in real life which already has a host of words to describe the action like Kludges and MacGuyvering and Jury rigging and Modding and Kit bashing and all sorts of other such phrases. to me hacking is a comp thing and has more to do with playing with the source code or machine language than say just making a small HTML widget. so hacking the real world would be tinkering with the fundamentals of the world. like exploiting Neutrinos to make coffee.
and on my top ten of fucking triggers to set me off.
Calling me a Liar
Bullying me to be silent.
both happened that night. i am so fucking angry right now i can feel the urge to hurt people rising. I will not. i will not become my fucking father. which enrages me more than even the initial hurt. because it lets me know that that fucker is part of me. I do not mind the family on that side. just that abusive fuck. when i feel that hate rise i remember what his hate has done to me and how much he is responsible for those two triggers. and it becomes a feedback loop. right now i am reliveing him beating me in the head for reading something out of my Science text book way back about the Thermosphere. which is a part of the atmosphere. it did not exist i guess in his books when he was a kid so i was lying so instead of looking at the book he just beat me for lying before looking. Then excused himself by saying he had never heard of it.
yes i get to relive shit all the time and lacking the ability to get bored comes with also lacking the ability to really grow a callous to something or get jaded in that it no longer affects me way. so every time is kinda like the first time. it is always fresh.
i wish i could do something to get this anger out of me. i am still so fucking tired. i feel like i cloud drop over but the second i sorta give in to the tired then it all comes back at me. only like a slide show. with many slides being shown at once. i am reliving those moments with my dad and with the more recent episode. and more little side adventures.
i miss my prozac and i really really really need that damn herb i posted about. but i am not going to be able to order it for myself for a long time.
so yeah i wrote that stuff trying to get some of it out of me earlier. i knew i was not done. but i was so damn tired from being sick most of the day from the heat. hell i had wanted to sit and watch my mate play portal 2 since it was funny. but i just kept getting sicker and sicker. i went out onto the porch outside and threw up a little. i decided a cold shower would work best. in the shower i had this upwelling of hate. i threw that up in a journal. i tried to sleep now that i was at least a little less physically sick. but the images and anger kept welling up and i would awake with a start. so i got up and decided to just play on the net and get some art ideas. it is the season i can get to sell art after all. and i like doing it on odd things. i do a bit on lanterns

so i was looking about and saw the punch cards and then remembered someone at AC doing stuff on them and looked that up and as i stared at the art... fucking hell if shit did not come rushing back at me from a few months ago. being told i was a liar and that punch cards were only used in mechanical devices and Phones other than cell phones had not used computers. all because i feel the word hacking should apply to computers and not say modifying something in real life which already has a host of words to describe the action like Kludges and MacGuyvering and Jury rigging and Modding and Kit bashing and all sorts of other such phrases. to me hacking is a comp thing and has more to do with playing with the source code or machine language than say just making a small HTML widget. so hacking the real world would be tinkering with the fundamentals of the world. like exploiting Neutrinos to make coffee.
and on my top ten of fucking triggers to set me off.
Calling me a Liar
Bullying me to be silent.
both happened that night. i am so fucking angry right now i can feel the urge to hurt people rising. I will not. i will not become my fucking father. which enrages me more than even the initial hurt. because it lets me know that that fucker is part of me. I do not mind the family on that side. just that abusive fuck. when i feel that hate rise i remember what his hate has done to me and how much he is responsible for those two triggers. and it becomes a feedback loop. right now i am reliveing him beating me in the head for reading something out of my Science text book way back about the Thermosphere. which is a part of the atmosphere. it did not exist i guess in his books when he was a kid so i was lying so instead of looking at the book he just beat me for lying before looking. Then excused himself by saying he had never heard of it.
yes i get to relive shit all the time and lacking the ability to get bored comes with also lacking the ability to really grow a callous to something or get jaded in that it no longer affects me way. so every time is kinda like the first time. it is always fresh.
i wish i could do something to get this anger out of me. i am still so fucking tired. i feel like i cloud drop over but the second i sorta give in to the tired then it all comes back at me. only like a slide show. with many slides being shown at once. i am reliving those moments with my dad and with the more recent episode. and more little side adventures.
i miss my prozac and i really really really need that damn herb i posted about. but i am not going to be able to order it for myself for a long time.
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