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13 July 2014 @ 04:41 am
just things  
My head is filled with bad things. it usually is. but right now they are just crushing me. and i am really not sure what to do since it is so many things. i keep trying to tackle one at a time but then the universe reminds me in very concrete ways that NOTHING exists in a vacuum as i already know to be true. but it always seems to be extra true anymore. to do even the simplest thing right now i have to tackle what seems like endless other things first. no matter what i try to do this or that or all these things will need be done or will be affected in adverse ways. i have this incredible frustration that will not go away and in fact is only getting worse. and the worst part is it feels like i have NO ONE to confide in about all of it for fear of my issues getting to people and them taking it wrong. cause far to many of you do when it comes down to it. far to many people i know cannot differentiate between I am mad at a situation and not the person. and many people try to offer what often becomes useless and frustrating advice because of 1 i have tried that already, 2 it is impossible in my situation, 3 it requires money and i fucking have none. (people usually pay my way into things which i appreciate and often feel guilty about but then i feel guilty about everything. and that is a big weight on me right now too as a matter of fact and part of the problems) or finally 4 that it requires i become someone i am not. something that so many people are always saying you should not change and then tell me how i should change. in ways that are usually not only very different from the real me but indeed diametrically opposed to everything i am.
Jaydencrypticwyrd on July 13th, 2014 11:53 am (UTC)
teefletteefers on July 18th, 2014 08:29 pm (UTC)
Well, you've been pretty clear about what you don't like. But what kind of reaction would you actually prefer when you make posts like this? I've pretty much stopped commenting because I don't know how to approach you. I've done some of those things in the past that you find frustrating, not knowing that it was insensitive/upsetting. I'm not sure where to go from here. Let us know how to be better friends. Tell us what to do.
Akira Shimaakirashima on July 19th, 2014 06:07 am (UTC)
I wish i knew. i really wish i knew. it is part of the endless frustration. i really wish i had someone i could just Bitch too to get shit out of my system that had no connection to anyone in the current situation. as it is i came home the other day and it was worse in the house. i was just so damn frustrated i cried. when asked what was wrong i said that the house was so bad that if anyone outside saw this shit they would condemn it. and of course that was taken as a personal attack on the roommate who heard it and a nice fight broke out until they finally got it for the moment that i am utter frustrated at shit and not them. that i ask things and get ignored. that i am just so damn overwhelmed and when they actually asked why i do not ask them to do things i had to remind them that a month or so ago i sat on the end of the couch crying asking for them to even just clean up little messes. they tried to say that i gave them dirty looks when they cleaned and i had to remind them that i as they have been told repeatedly that i fight with the voices in my head when i clean and i was cleaning when they were. that cleaning angers me more than just about anything so of course i looked angry. hell no one starts to do anything til i do.
teefletteefers on July 20th, 2014 04:07 pm (UTC)
stuck between a rock and a hard place and all that jazz. either no one does anything, or they do stuff but it comes with blood, sweat and tears. either no one listens, or they listen but its because you're screaming and crying. *nod* that is am immensely frustrating situation -__- and its been going on for years, hasn't it?
Akira Shimaakirashima on July 21st, 2014 08:53 am (UTC)
since about 1998 to be precise. with differing parties. and being on disability does not give me run away and get my own place kinda cash and the places that are rent controlled around here only come in Safe as hell but you cannot even own a potted plant cause someone once caused a tiny bit of water damage from having one to You will have your place broken into probably by the crack heads next door but at least you can have a pet.