Merry Christmas and Happy final day of Pancha Ganapati.
may you be surrounded with loved ones and get the right colour phone or device. if not please video tape that tantrum for you tube
Aku is dead.
he did not in fact have Diarrhea. he had a major heart problem. which caused organ failures. his lungs were filled with and surrounded by fluid. there was nothing that could be done to heal him. even with me pumping in the fluids and food he was so dehydrated that they had to use a intra heart injection to stop his heart since they could not find veins and with his heart so fucked up there was barely any circulation.
the only person i had left that would curl up with me when things went bad is gone. the One that would destroy his cage if he was not out and i was having a panic attack is gone. My little buddy and baby is gone.
and i still owe ten bucks to the vet so i really have to get back from site and to my bank on the first so i can pay them. every dime i had left went to the bill. 79 bucks. do you have any idea how surreal and fucked up it is to have to fill out paper work and pay a bill while you watch your beloved die..
My head is filled with bad things. it usually is. but right now they are just crushing me. and i am really not sure what to do since it is so many things. i keep trying to tackle one at a time but then the universe reminds me in very concrete ways that NOTHING exists in a vacuum as i already know to be true. but it always seems to be extra true anymore. to do even the simplest thing right now i have to tackle what seems like endless other things first. no matter what i try to do this or that or all these things will need be done or will be affected in adverse ways. i have this incredible frustration that will not go away and in fact is only getting worse. and the worst part is it feels like i have NO ONE to confide in about all of it for fear of my issues getting to people and them taking it wrong. cause far to many of you do when it comes down to it. far to many people i know cannot differentiate between I am mad at a situation and not the person. and many people try to offer what often becomes useless and frustrating advice because of 1 i have tried that already, 2 it is impossible in my situation, 3 it requires money and i fucking have none. (people usually pay my way into things which i appreciate and often feel guilty about but then i feel guilty about everything. and that is a big weight on me right now too as a matter of fact and part of the problems) or finally 4 that it requires i become someone i am not. something that so many people are always saying you should not change and then tell me how i should change. in ways that are usually not only very different from the real me but indeed diametrically opposed to everything i am.
Holy shit fuck. even with my mobility scooter i am still so damn sore... also i ripped the skin off my knee trying to go through the handicapped door entrance at the Westin. that was lovely. luckily i clot like creme on a hot summer day while waiting to be poured on someone outdoors for a sexy picnic that will later be ruined not only by food poisoning from the poor choice of using gone off creme on someone's genitals as a kick but also by the runaway funeral comedy of errors that will occur nearby resulting in a coffin on wheels speeding by and ripping off the wig of the drag queen that was going down on the guy who had no idea and later both of them being trampled but not killed by the funeral goers trying to stop the coffin from getting away but which will ultimately be hit by a bus full of Nuns on the way to the hospital who all have dysentery and will of course all explode violently with horrific diarrhea when they hit to coffin which will of course have a knocked out midget in it high on drugs who was the deceased's gay lover who came to get some money from the family of the dead guy who said he would take care of him resulting in other hilarious hijinks which ended with him bashing his head into a coffee table after falling off the couch during a wrestling scene where he tried to escape being captured and silenced before he could spill the beans to the wife of the guy who is still quite dead by the kids of the dead guy and alive wife which also involved being sat on by the hilariously overweight aunt who is actually a skinny undercover detective looking for the drug dealing boyfriend of the daughter of the dead guy and alive wife who happened to bring some drugs to the party in a prescription bottle that everyone keeps finding and using to calm down other people at the funeral but just keeps getting them unbelievably high resulting in a hysterical sobbing wife throwing herself at the coffin before it was lowered which lands on the skateboarding cousin whose skate board can somehow handle the weight of it all and sends it speeding downhill at a drag queen and duped but loveable clueless guy who fell for the drag queen and that the drag queen also loves but has gotten in over her feet with and then exploding diarrhea nuns.
so in other words the bleeding stopped quickly.
also for the first fucking time ever in my life something of mine got more than 2 bids. in fact it fucking went to voice auction. VOICE AUCTION MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it went for 60 fucking bucks. 60!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO
the last bid before that to take it there was like 23. so it had a few bids to get to 60.
that was pretty damn awesome.
sadly nothing in the Adult section of the show got a single big on it even the Model red rocket which i guess was for the best.
there were many other hijinks as well like a very drunk White Wer laughing til he almost died because of wet fart noises made by Kelson and discussion of the Mandarin Orange's pleasure palace where in i would take a bite of a grape and juice the rest of it on my nipple and offer a tiny thimble sized cup of freshly nipple juiced juice to Kage asking him if he wished to have some Grape Juice a al Dionysus and other insanity including finger forks being used to offer small smoked sausages to people and all the people in the tent providing entertainment only wearing strategically draped cloth and lounging in the most seductive manners
overall a great con
I am quickly being reminded of why i hate the fuck out of summer. I have 9 days or less to do a SHITFUCKTON of art for Anthrocon Art Show and i have been doing nothing but being sick as fuck from the god damn heat and humidity. I would turn on the AC but that costs a Fortune to have on for any length of time
Well i am pretty sure i won today in Yard Sale. around 20 bucks spent
Thee foot tall self standing Zebra plush (which got my photos taken by a local news paper photographer and may end up in the paper) - 1 dollar
two foot tall giraffe plush also standing -1 dollar
Nerf Maverick. an older heavier one. still in great shape - 25 cents
three foot tall tower fan with remote - 3 bucks
Three. count them three still in box O2 small battery operated fans - 1 dollar
long metal wall sconce with three votive holders. - 1 dollar
Show box full of collected shells and really nice sea polished quarts pebbles. - 50 cents
new awesome red and cold celestial themed silk scarf. - 50 cents
set of wood carving chisels in new shape - 1 dollar
drum, tambourine, rhythm sticks, wood clapper, and a few other wood percussion instruments all for 3 bucks
wood shelf like a smaller one from Labyrinth that held her teddy bears. - buck
The exact fucking shelf i was envisioning to make a jewelry holder for myself - buck
MP3 player - 50 cents
and i am forgetting a few things
Also at the farmers market the garlic people had some seriously fun heirloom tomato plants and since i know at least the ONE bin survived winter i can have a couple of tomatoes.
I got Japanese black, a small different black tomato an ugly yellow one (supposed to be wrinkly) Pink cherry and brandywine.
also got myself some delicious cheeses and tea and veggies. Including zucchini.
had a LOT of fun but got way to damn much sun and found out that as bad as the sidewalks and roads are where i know them they are pristine bran new infrastructure compared to the new ones i found today.
also nothing makes people smile quite like having a three foot zebra strapped to the front of your mobility scooter. it was hilarious. people stopping and taking photos of it and smiling and laughing and being all sorts of friendly. it was a hell of a change. i think i need to find a new stuffed animal to just sit in the basket. he is a BIT too big for that daily.
but now to hide from the giant evil ball of fire and death and recover slowly from the UV allergy and toxins now coursing through my system making my skin itch and everything in me feel kinda poisoned. So totally worth it though.
I give up. I GIVE UP. i am still crying and shaking so hard i can barely breath. i am on the verge of vomiting. i give up. i simply give up. ran around town doing last minute whatever and came home and tried to do some stuff in the yard finally getting to take a close look at it. I give up. i cannot have anything nice. i cannot seem to have anything. i give up. everything out there is broken. something either ate the ends of my japanese maple or someone cut on it with scissors. the one i trained to grow low and out. it is a stump. i give up. i give up everything. fuck it. i already cannot afford to go to things like AC and anything Pennsic related anymore really. and because i fucked up and become something somewhat important to the WPAFW i have to go to those other things to beg for prizes for the charity raffle which i keep getting told is the reason people go to the WPAFW. and if i quit anything i fuck everyone. but i do not even have money for those things anymore and my yard is gone. it is just fucking gone. i have been fighting til i am sick and fighting til i cannot move for weeks to try to have SOMETHING when i finally cannot fight anymore and do anything anymore. so i could have a fucking place to sit and enjoy a garden. but that was too fucking much to ask for. and i am done fighting. i will be finishing off what nature fucked over already and getting rid of it all that i can. just fuck it all. i am so tired of fighting. i fucking quit. i quit everything. fuck it all. this will probably be my last year for anything. there is a hole in the fucking wall under the stairs i have been begging for help to fix for four years now. i cannot lift the heavy shit. my body is shit. my brain is following. there is nothing left for me anymore. i quit. i fucking quit. i cannot take this shit anymore and i cannot afford it either. i cannot even find a mother fucking doctor that will take me in this shithole of a town. i cannot afford the vet for my ferret. i cannot get this house clean and i do not have enough spoons for making dinner anymore let alone all the other shit that needs to happen around here. and the fucking boston ferns that took up my basement with me trying to keep them alive are all dead now too. fuck it all. fuck everything. i quit. i cannot even breathe right right now. i feel like my chest is exploding and imploding at the same time. my vision is getting blurry. i feel weak and sick and i just cannot do it anymore. i cannot. i am done. i quit.