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02 May 2014 @ 06:48 pm
I give up. I GIVE UP. i am still crying and shaking so hard i can barely breath. i am on the verge of vomiting. i give up. i simply give up. ran around town doing last minute whatever and came home and tried to do some stuff in the yard finally getting to take a close look at it. I give up. i cannot have anything nice. i cannot seem to have anything. i give up. everything out there is broken. something either ate the ends of my japanese maple or someone cut on it with scissors. the one i trained to grow low and out. it is a stump. i give up. i give up everything. fuck it. i already cannot afford to go to things like AC and anything Pennsic related anymore really. and because i fucked up and become something somewhat important to the WPAFW i have to go to those other things to beg for prizes for the charity raffle which i keep getting told is the reason people go to the WPAFW. and if i quit anything i fuck everyone. but i do not even have money for those things anymore and my yard is gone. it is just fucking gone. i have been fighting til i am sick and fighting til i cannot move for weeks to try to have SOMETHING when i finally cannot fight anymore and do anything anymore. so i could have a fucking place to sit and enjoy a garden. but that was too fucking much to ask for. and i am done fighting. i will be finishing off what nature fucked over already and getting rid of it all that i can. just fuck it all. i am so tired of fighting. i fucking quit. i quit everything. fuck it all. this will probably be my last year for anything. there is a hole in the fucking wall under the stairs i have been begging for help to fix for four years now. i cannot lift the heavy shit. my body is shit. my brain is following. there is nothing left for me anymore. i quit. i fucking quit. i cannot take this shit anymore and i cannot afford it either. i cannot even find a mother fucking doctor that will take me in this shithole of a town. i cannot afford the vet for my ferret. i cannot get this house clean and i do not have enough spoons for making dinner anymore let alone all the other shit that needs to happen around here. and the fucking boston ferns that took up my basement with me trying to keep them alive are all dead now too. fuck it all. fuck everything. i quit. i cannot even breathe right right now. i feel like my chest is exploding and imploding at the same time. my vision is getting blurry. i feel weak and sick and i just cannot do it anymore. i cannot. i am done. i quit.
Kate: Mehndi - Investigatemehndix on May 3rd, 2014 12:07 am (UTC)
If you do the foot work to collect these things, and they are as important shouldn't the cost of the convention be covered for you?

It sounds like a lot is being put on your plate but if there are others, especially with the house you shouldn't be the one to do it all.
ladyapple27: pic#87799438ladyapple27 on May 3rd, 2014 03:52 am (UTC)
Yes, you should get a free VIP pass to the con. What kind of things do you need for the raffle? Who knows, I may have something or other lying around.

Akira Shima: Eyeakirashima on May 3rd, 2014 08:51 am (UTC)
pretty much anything and everything. someone usually likes things that even i find kinda meh. and i am a collector of odd shit.
Akira Shima: Eyeakirashima on May 3rd, 2014 08:51 am (UTC)
the WPAFW is totally covered. Anthrocon is not. but anymore with my health and money it is harder than ever to do anything. and i have been with the WPAFW for so long. i get some help on occasion. My mate that owns the house is never around with their job. on call most of the time with NCR and running all over to fix all the tech problems sometimes being gone 16 hours a day and with 10 days on 2 off 7 days on 2 days off they really are not up to a lot when they are home. Also they have been working the roof which i am way to fat to get on.

but with all the prices of all the things going up and up and up every friggen month for food or what have you i just cannot. and i spend most of my time prepping for this that and the other which is why having the yard done meant so much to me. while i am only at whatever for less than a month total a year i spend probably 10 months getting ready for or recovering from. it is just to much anymore.
ladyapple27: pic#87799438ladyapple27 on May 3rd, 2014 04:05 am (UTC)
I love and value you as a friend. Please don't give up.

On the subject of spoons, I recently bought a sale lot that included spoons. I was after a set of plates to use as saucers under my flower pots and some pottery books, and I had to buy the lot to get them. At any rate, I have extra spoons and no intention of putting them in the kitchen for my brother Kent to mess up and leave for me to wash. You know that I can't keep up with my car keys, let alone your address, so PM me your address, and I'll send the spoons.

On the days that I come home to an empty fridge, piles of dirty dishes, and Kent ranting and raving about some little stupid thing, I want to give up myself, so I know a little bit about how you feel.

I'm sending positive energy and good wishes.
eqfeeqfe on May 3rd, 2014 01:42 pm (UTC)
kelfstein: 2008 AC Con Badgekelfstein on May 3rd, 2014 05:13 am (UTC)
I am starting some trifoliate orange trees from seed, they are supposed to be hardy in this area, nothing eats them and their thorns make cutting them dangerous. Deer hate them as do ground hogs and bunnies, yes all the things that destroy gardens. They don't get real large but make an awesomely dangerous wall. You interested?
Akira Shima: Eyeakirashima on May 3rd, 2014 08:44 am (UTC)
yes. and if you go over to your moms i could use some strawberries. mine all died this winter.
thank you
eqfeeqfe on May 3rd, 2014 01:43 pm (UTC)
::hugs:: hope that your luck turns around.
Akira Shima: Eyeakirashima on May 6th, 2014 11:38 am (UTC)
yeah i keep hoping for that myself.
Jayden: hugcrypticwyrd on May 3rd, 2014 02:01 pm (UTC)
Akira Shima: Eyeakirashima on May 6th, 2014 11:38 am (UTC)
thank you
--: princess ysmnyasemeowin on May 5th, 2014 09:33 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry, boo. I'm sending you good vibes rn, but let me know if there's anything else I can do to help from afar!

Akira Shima: Eyeakirashima on May 6th, 2014 11:38 am (UTC)
thanks. it is really good to know people even still read this thing. and the fact that people care.
(Anonymous) on May 13th, 2014 06:55 pm (UTC)
hi hi terrence here been quite a while since i last came over. deep symthothy for the unfair hardships thrusted upon you so far. I hope you get a repreive and not suffer from any more headaches (you had way to many of those to suffer though) that this existance may throwout. not on the topic but i want to let you know what i been up to. been crazy busy with home depot just pulled 48 hours last week. finaly got every thing set up to get radar data and use the gopro camera at the same time. still got a bug or two to fix mostly delt with. got a spare linksys router had to get a pepwave router and usb wired my hotspot to it and run cat6 cable to my laptop. the ptz dome cam has been built and power wiring and tested working done. now for ventaltion duct work for push pull with case fans. installed a 3rd battery now in the battery box redid that wiring so i can have a charge port connection to use a battery charger when needed. that way i do not need to do a partial tear down to recharge. planning to pull the 2nd battery out from it location and replace it with a dry cell that can go in the battery box. and rigging full size spare tire bay in its place freeing up room inside the van. i have to get your number again from bob so i can call you.
Akira Shima: Eyeakirashima on May 15th, 2014 08:43 am (UTC)
WOW you have been busy as fuck. As it is i will be contacting a friend who is a contractor to do some ceiling work and hopefully the brick wall that is collapsing outside.